Communication is Key
Communication is one of THE most important parts of a relationship. And like any other skill, effective communication does not come naturally to most of us. It is something we can fail at over and over and learn from our mistakes. The best way to communicate effectively is to simply be honest. Trying to hint towards the truth will cause strain on the relationship and make for an even bigger problem than the issue at hand. Studies have shown that listeners decode messages based only 14% on the words themselves, 35% on the speakers tone and 51% on nonverbal cues. Nonverbal communication says a lot more than you might think. Changing your tone when saying something like, “I had such a great day today” can change the meaning entirely. Sometimes we choose words that fit with our feelings perfectly in our head, but the listener may interpret them to mean something entirely different.
This is where reflective listening comes in handy. A reflective listener will ask questions to clarify what the speaker is telling them. For example, if someone explains to you that they have “a million things to do and not enough time”, you could respond and clarify by asking, “ so you’re super stressed with all your homework assignments? Can I help out in any way?”. Sometimes people just like to be heard, but often their complaining is a plea for help and they’re afraid to open up and ask for help.
Professor at Stanford University and author of the book, Feeling Good, David Burns gives 5 secrets of communication. First, he explains what he calls the “disarming technique”. This is listening and finding a kernel of truth in that the speaker is saying. Second is expressing empathy. Many times we feel empathy but fail to express it in any way. Third, inquiry. This goes back to reflective listening, ask questions to clarify and show interest in the conversation. The fourth secret is the usage of “I-feel” messages. When discussing a conflict, it is important to not attack the other person, but the problem itself. Instead of saying to your daughter, “you never clean up your room, it makes me so mad!”, you could use an “I-feel message”, “I noticed you didn’t pick up your room, when you don’t do that, it makes me feel upset because I know you’re better than that”.
There are a million ways to convey a message, stopping to think about it before saying the first words that come to your mind could go much further than you think.
Thanks for reading and have a happy Thanksgiving this coming Thursday!
This is where reflective listening comes in handy. A reflective listener will ask questions to clarify what the speaker is telling them. For example, if someone explains to you that they have “a million things to do and not enough time”, you could respond and clarify by asking, “ so you’re super stressed with all your homework assignments? Can I help out in any way?”. Sometimes people just like to be heard, but often their complaining is a plea for help and they’re afraid to open up and ask for help.
Professor at Stanford University and author of the book, Feeling Good, David Burns gives 5 secrets of communication. First, he explains what he calls the “disarming technique”. This is listening and finding a kernel of truth in that the speaker is saying. Second is expressing empathy. Many times we feel empathy but fail to express it in any way. Third, inquiry. This goes back to reflective listening, ask questions to clarify and show interest in the conversation. The fourth secret is the usage of “I-feel” messages. When discussing a conflict, it is important to not attack the other person, but the problem itself. Instead of saying to your daughter, “you never clean up your room, it makes me so mad!”, you could use an “I-feel message”, “I noticed you didn’t pick up your room, when you don’t do that, it makes me feel upset because I know you’re better than that”.
There are a million ways to convey a message, stopping to think about it before saying the first words that come to your mind could go much further than you think.
Thanks for reading and have a happy Thanksgiving this coming Thursday!
Comments
Post a Comment