All Things Dating
Dating is kind of a big deal at this point of life for me. Especially because I go to the school that's amiably nicknamed, "BYU-I do". And I am finding that it is so important to take certain steps to get to know someone before completely trusting them or making big commitments. Ok, story time. There's someone I know who tends to romanticize ideas of dating guys the moment they ask her out for the first time. One young man in particular seemed to be more prince-charming-like than any other, needless to say, she was excited for this date. But afterwards, she didn't feel quite the same. The fact that he wanted to cuddle on the first date made her wary of his intentions, but didn't completely change her feelings for him. So, she said yes to the second date, and a third, fourth, fifth, etc. They kissed on the third date. She knew how fast it was escalating but let it happen. She was falling in love. In her mind, the kiss confirmed it; they were officially "dating". And imminently afterwards, she began to trust him more. She let the other young men who she had been going out with (for it did happen so quickly) know that she was now in a relationship. She was committed. And he was a prince charming to her, to say the least. They talked and she understood he felt the same way, or so she thought. Well, long story short, he did not feel the same. She found out about three weeks later that he was seriously dating another girl at the same time. And of course, she was hurt. Asking herself, how could someone do that to me?
I'll get back to the story. But first I'm going talk more about dating. The word "dating" has several different meanings, depending on how different people interpret it. One could be just going out on fun, planned activities with lots of different guys/girls one on one. Just getting to know each other. Another definition could be the step before a relationship, when two people are going out and beginning to like each other more and more. It could also mean that two people are in a steady relationship, they're "dating". I have also heard people who say they are dating but haven't actually been on one date. They just do what they call, "hanging out" . . . but they're "dating". It can easily get confusing. Especially in my friend's case, because she and this prince-not-so-charming-after-all had discussed it and concluded that they were, indeed, dating. Among other issues, they obviously didn't think "dating" meant the same thing. For the rest of this post, I will be using the following definition for dating: A planned activity that involves a young man and young women pairing off in order to get to know one another. So, little to no physical touch and no commitment except for that time of being on the date, which commitment is only that of protecting the other person's virtue and talking one on one.
Most all things we do in life turn out better when they're done intentionally. Can we agree on that? I believe it's always better to be intentional and not only act on impulse. In order to date intentionally, it's important to know a couple things. One thing was very clear in the story I shared earlier. That is, that women have a chemical in their brains called oxytocin. It is active when she touches someone she has feelings for, and naturally makes her want to trust him immediately. So you see, this is why I defined dating with little to no physical touch, just getting to know one another. In the story, it was her mistake of not being intentional and allowing herself to trust and commit to him after the first kiss. Had she gotten to know him better before physical touch, she may have been able to see more clearly and understand that he was not someone she should trust. But you could say, she didn't know much better, oxytocin took over. And this happens all the time.
How can we be intentional? Here is what I suggest, go on dates with lots of people. Make sure it is "planned, paid for, and paired off" (Oaks, 2006). After getting to know several different people, you may be more interested in one than the others. As you get to know them better, be intentional. Decide first if you can trust this person before engaging in physical touch. Even be able to rely on them, commit to going out with just them, and then engage in physical touch. This is called courtship; when a couple is going out exclusively with each other and have similar feeling towards one another. Relationships like this are build on trust. You can see how my friend in the story could have avoided being hurt by being intentional. Knowing this now, instead of saying, "how could someone do that to me?" She says, "I see where I went wrong. How can I avoid letting this happen again?"
One last thing. I'm sure you have heard it over and over again. But that must mean its important! And that is, communication. Communication is key to a successful relationship. Make sure you are on the same page about your relationship, it may be a difficult conversation to have sometimes but could save you from a lot of confusion and hurt feelings later on.
In short, be intentional. Get to know someone before trusting them, then grow to rely on them, commit to them, and finally touch. Also remember to communicate and be honest. :) Being honest can go much further than you think.
This is what I have learned about dating so far and I am still learning, anyway thanks so much for reading and hope you have an amazing week!
I'll get back to the story. But first I'm going talk more about dating. The word "dating" has several different meanings, depending on how different people interpret it. One could be just going out on fun, planned activities with lots of different guys/girls one on one. Just getting to know each other. Another definition could be the step before a relationship, when two people are going out and beginning to like each other more and more. It could also mean that two people are in a steady relationship, they're "dating". I have also heard people who say they are dating but haven't actually been on one date. They just do what they call, "hanging out" . . . but they're "dating". It can easily get confusing. Especially in my friend's case, because she and this prince-not-so-charming-after-all had discussed it and concluded that they were, indeed, dating. Among other issues, they obviously didn't think "dating" meant the same thing. For the rest of this post, I will be using the following definition for dating: A planned activity that involves a young man and young women pairing off in order to get to know one another. So, little to no physical touch and no commitment except for that time of being on the date, which commitment is only that of protecting the other person's virtue and talking one on one.
Most all things we do in life turn out better when they're done intentionally. Can we agree on that? I believe it's always better to be intentional and not only act on impulse. In order to date intentionally, it's important to know a couple things. One thing was very clear in the story I shared earlier. That is, that women have a chemical in their brains called oxytocin. It is active when she touches someone she has feelings for, and naturally makes her want to trust him immediately. So you see, this is why I defined dating with little to no physical touch, just getting to know one another. In the story, it was her mistake of not being intentional and allowing herself to trust and commit to him after the first kiss. Had she gotten to know him better before physical touch, she may have been able to see more clearly and understand that he was not someone she should trust. But you could say, she didn't know much better, oxytocin took over. And this happens all the time.
How can we be intentional? Here is what I suggest, go on dates with lots of people. Make sure it is "planned, paid for, and paired off" (Oaks, 2006). After getting to know several different people, you may be more interested in one than the others. As you get to know them better, be intentional. Decide first if you can trust this person before engaging in physical touch. Even be able to rely on them, commit to going out with just them, and then engage in physical touch. This is called courtship; when a couple is going out exclusively with each other and have similar feeling towards one another. Relationships like this are build on trust. You can see how my friend in the story could have avoided being hurt by being intentional. Knowing this now, instead of saying, "how could someone do that to me?" She says, "I see where I went wrong. How can I avoid letting this happen again?"
One last thing. I'm sure you have heard it over and over again. But that must mean its important! And that is, communication. Communication is key to a successful relationship. Make sure you are on the same page about your relationship, it may be a difficult conversation to have sometimes but could save you from a lot of confusion and hurt feelings later on.
In short, be intentional. Get to know someone before trusting them, then grow to rely on them, commit to them, and finally touch. Also remember to communicate and be honest. :) Being honest can go much further than you think.
This is what I have learned about dating so far and I am still learning, anyway thanks so much for reading and hope you have an amazing week!
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